許那:畫面中虛空的那部分往往決定畫面主體的實相

( hooxi注:今天聽到一個意外但也是意料之中的消息:我的大學同學,畫家/詩人許那女士又被拘留了,因為長期信奉一種被中國政府認定為“邪教”的信仰:法輪功。這是她第五次被拘留,包括總共長達八年的兩次入獄。若干年前,我拍了關於她丈夫于宙的紀錄片——他是一位民謠歌手同時也是法輪功修煉者,於2008年北京奧運會時被警方拘留並莫名其妙地死于看守所,許那同時被判三年徒刑。因為可以理解的原因,此片從未公開發行。現摘取其中的一個片段公佈於眾。祝她好運!)

( hooxi notes: Today I heard that Ms. Xu Na, a famous painter and poetess in China, my college classmate, was detained  on July 19th 2020 by police of Beijing for her religious belief “Falungong” which was announced as an illegal cult by the Chinese government in July 1999. This is the 5th time she has been detained, including serving two jail terms of a total of 8 years. Several years ago I directed a documentary film about her husband and her, for some understandable reasons the film is not distributed publicly till now. The following clip is extracted from this film. God bless Ms. Xu Na! )

以下是她的臺灣畫廊為她出版畫冊時,她寫的序,非常好!原標題為《自述》。

(The following article is Xu Na’s preface for her album of paintings published by her agent.)

我能懂一點,畫面中虛空的那部分,往往決定了畫面主體的實相,如同我們已知的現實,往往是被我們未知的看不見的東西所決定。

所以我試圖說說畫面之外的事。

小時候我是聞著松節油核桃油的氣味長大的。我對畫畫的最早記憶是與一些大場面聯繫在一起,我爸畫毛某某在安源,毛某某在井岡山等等,那幾十米的畫幅,小時候看起來尤其巨大。當時我還非常矮小,個頭好像就到毛某某巨幅頭像衣領下的第二顆紐扣的位置,仰頭看去,我媽媽也是登著很高的梯子,畫毛某某的大紅臉。

從小我就非常非常的不喜歡畫畫。

我媽說,你如果學習不好,將來就只能畫畫了,因為文化課分數很少就考上大學了。

我慶倖自己學習成績特別好,終於可以不再畫畫了。

我上了傳媒大學,搞文字,又碰到了同樣的問題,只好在家裡看書寫字了。

我周圍的朋友都是畫畫的,我當時鄰居是朱新建,他看我沒有更多的事做,就對我說,為什麼不畫畫呢?畫你最想畫的。於是我畫書,放在一張木桌子上,那就是我的生活。

後來我稀裡糊塗的成了一個職業畫家,我畫了很多書,這是我一直能畫下去不膩煩的題材。看书是我那时候的信仰。直到1999年,我不能繼續畫下去了,因为在那之后的大部分时间,我都住在监狱里。

在裡面生不能死亦不能的日子裡,死亡對我是多麼難以得到的奢侈的解脫啊!有一段時間,我每天就想怎麼找個方法乾乾淨淨的死去,同死亡相比,我更害怕的是瘋狂,度日如年的每一天,不垮掉,不瘋狂,我還能依靠什麼呢?

所有關於文學藝術,關於哲學,關於人的基本而正常的生活經驗,都被徹底粉碎了,我終於發現,所有基於人自己發明的信仰都是不牢靠的,都是虛妄的幻相,對神的信仰才是真正的理性,仰賴於祂,在黑暗的盡頭,我看到了光亮。

我不得不反思,我過去對藝術的想法是多麼矯情與狂妄。

放風的路上,總有一叢車前子被踩來踩去,種子被吹到井蓋與水泥路面的縫隙裡,也就長在這裡了,它沒有哀怨。

萬物的道理,任何的闡釋都不過是情中的妄念,個人的喜怒哀樂在天地中微不足道。

被圈起來的一塊地方不足幾平米,但已經是放風的地方了,我不能忘記的是一隻小麻雀,它散步尋食走到我的腳邊,竟然感覺不到我,最後它還是一下子就飛到了大牆外。

那時,高牆內外其實也無分別了,因為我不再恐懼。

就是在這樣完全封閉没有任何诗情画意的的地方,我懂得了中國的山水畫。

“從奧維斯集中營出來,寫詩是可恥的”,這確實也是我的體會,沒有抒情。

然而,我自己都沒想到,在那樣的環境下,我念念不忘的是監室樓下紫葉李的葉子,我非常渴望得到,秋天的時候,滿地都是而我卻不被允許下樓啊。

但有一天早上我驚喜了,幾片紫葉李的葉子靜靜的夾在窗縫裡,是夜裡的大風,把它們吹上了三樓。葉子很小,有著蟲咬的缺口,上面的紫色在陽光下燦爛的晃眼。

我知道這是上天對我的恩賜,出來後我能繼續畫畫了。

對我來說,讓一朵花開在畫布上而不是花瓶裡,是非常不容易的。畫畫對我是太熬人的工作,我經常羡慕八小時工作的人,下了班就不必幹活兒了。

而我不得不沒完沒了的在一張畫布前塗了又抹,反反復復。我幹的就是一個體力活,我媽說,我每畫一張畫“就得跑個几十里地”。這個體力活,讓我對所有種地的人都有了深切的同情,都是同行啊。

把種子埋下,即使能看見白色的花在上面開,也不知土豆在地下會長成什麼樣。

如果說土豆的味道好,是因為裡面有陽光、有泥土的滋養,而且也少一些化肥吧。

和農民一樣,我勞動,因為我是只個藝術工作者。

幸運的時候,這張畫就會突然有一天從牆上睜開眼睛,當它開始望著我的時候,我知道它已經和我沒有關係了,它遠離了我。

感謝能夠碰到那麼多喜歡我畫的老師,誇我、鼓勵我,給我信心。

感謝李淑芳小姐,感謝收藏我的畫的人,這麼多年比我自己更喜歡我的畫,使我能繼續畫畫,感謝我的畫能得到那麼多可愛的名字,讓我認為畫畫還是有意義的,至少它還能讓人心安。

2014.9

許那簡歷

一九六八年十一月八日生於中國吉林省長春市。

一九九一年畢業於北京廣播學院【現中國傳媒大學】文藝編導專業。

一九九三年由灕江出版社出版詩集《隱蜜》。

一九九四年開始畫畫。

一九九七年參加中國油畫學會主辦的油畫展,【走向新世紀–中國青年油畫展】

一九九七年參加中國文化部主辦的中國藝術展。

二零零一年被判刑五年,二零零六年出獄。

二零零七參加中國油畫學會的【首屆中國青年百人油畫展】,《靜物》獲優秀作品獎。

二零零八年被判刑三年。

二零一一年出獄,繼續畫畫至今。

二零一二年在北京西五畫廊舉辦個展。

二零一二年参加北京和台北的艺术展。

現在從事寫作。

Extracts from Xu Na’s Preface for her album of paintings published by her agent:

…. If there is one thing I was able to perceive about visual arts, is that the empty space of a picture, often helps establish the main object in the painting; similar to the world in which we live in and the world we know, often determined by the world we don’t know.

… While living in a life that is inhuman, death seemed became an absolute luxury; There were times I was eager to search for ways to embrace death, even it was against my religion. Compared to death, an easy way to relieve, I was more fear of being swirled into the madness, in which telling the truth is being punished and spreading lies will set you in ease.

In those painful and slow passing days and years, arts and philosophy were totally absent, communications with the loved ones were cut off, every bit of basic human needs and dignity became benevolence. In those long, dark, lonely days and nights, only God could shine lights upon me, he kept me going.

There was a time I can see the purple cherry plum leaves through my tiny window from the 3rd floor.  Locked up in the bare and cold wall for days, I reach out my hand through the metal window bars, imagining I could touch a piece of leaf. I knew it was not possible, the tree was too far away and I was not permitted to go out. I can only dream on the feeling of touching a piece of nature. One morning I woke up under a ray of sunshine, between the bars, there were several purple leaves shinning like crystal, God had asked the wind last night to send them to me. God continuous took care of me.

With that shining light in my dark days, standing in the middle of the prison square surrounded by high-walls, I suddenly had a vision to allow me appreciating Chinese calligraphy painting – the beauty of spacing and emptiness surrounding the mountains and waters, in which way I never resonate well in my art studio. I used to watch jealously the magpies can flew in and out the wall. One day, I no longer envy the magpies, I knew from that moment that I had created a land of freedom in my own mind.

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